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This blog is just about to get real personal *deep breath*

I realized I'm a bad friend. Let me explain. I have a huge heart and my loyalty is my gift and my curse. I trust everyone until proven untrustworthy and I forgive very easily. But I have one problem, I easily let people go. There's a line and once it's crossed no amount of history or love can make me take you back into my life.

I recently read a note on FB written by a friend of mine. My friend, let's call her Melody, noted all the things that goes on in friendships and discussed how best friends become enemies over mistakes made by either party. The note showed a deep understanding of the word 'friendship' and her attitude to the relationship left me mesmerized.

I have never really thought deeply about friendships. I've always known I would do anything for a friend but I never considered the possibility that my friend would ever do anything to make me not want to be his/her friend anymore and that only at that point would our friendship ever be really tested. Sure friends argue and have fall outs but I'm talking about breaking the unwritten rules of being a friend: if they slept with your partner would you forgive them? What if they told someone your biggest secret, could you get over it?

And here lies my problem. I live by the 'do unto others as you would like to be done to you' rule and as a result anything that I find heartbreaking I would never do to anyone and therefore refuse to accept it from anyone. The problem with that rule is that it doesn't take two things into consideration:

1) Everyone is different so even if it doesn't bother you it may bother someone else

2) All humans make mistakes

The things that would normally break a friendship, i.e. the examples given above, I have always been able to get over quite easily but it's the small things that have been deal breakers for me. One thing I have realized is a HUGE 'never look back' moment for me is the inability to apologize. I'm pretty easy going and very forgiving so a simple 'I'm sorry' soothes my anger. When a person who has wronged me doesn't apologize to me it means 'I don't think it's wrong so I'm going to do it again'! We can't have that now, can we...

The second point is the point Melody highlighted so well in her note. EVERYONE is prone to mistakes and although they may cause you pain, a good friend should be able to overcome that. Now I KNOW that isn't me! I don't do it consciously but I draw a line to what I find acceptable and once anyone crosses that line my feelings towards them automatically switch off, I don't hate them (might as well love them in that case!) but I simply don't care about them anymore. And not in that attitude way either, I'm talking straight non-existent mode!

Melody also highlighted that the mistakes made by friends are deemed intolerable and lead to the end of great friendships but much more is accepted from partners and family members. This point doesn't apply to me as I cut off family and boyfriends just as easily if the line is crossed (it's in the same place for everyone!) but I do have to agree that in most situations that is the case, we accept our family and partners to walk all over us but if a friend, who is supposed to be like family might I add!, does the same, they get the axe. So yeah, Melody's note really got me thinking and something another friend said came to mind:

"My love is conditional and has fine print so when I say 'I love you' it's more like 'I love you*'"

As I said at the beginning of this post I have a big heart and when I love I do so passionately and freely. Maybe that is why when the ultimate line is crossed my heart can't find a way to continue dealing with that person, whether it be in love or hate, so it just erases them from my present and future. Don't get me wrong I forgive and forget but at the same time I cannot trust them to cherish me the way I cherish them so my only solution is to let them go. I know it's not right but I am under construction and I hope that with time I can learn the art of reconciliation after the storm.

So once again, my name is NRH and I'm a bad friend...


First Published: Apr 6, 2011

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